Big Feelings Today: A Reflection

Today I'm feeling overwhelmed by big feelings that are proving challenging to untangle.

I have a friend, someone who was a neighbor for many years before I moved. My friend has been a tremendous help in caring for our pets when we leave town. For years, she did it for free (she lived 2 houses away). After a while, we began to offer her payment as she'd begun to struggle financially. She accepted, though reluctantly.

As her struggles continued, we continued to give her assistance when she needed as we could. Sometimes we shared pet food with her. Sometimes we sent her home with food from our pantry. Several times, we sent her money to help her avoid a crisis (losing her storage bin, avoiding eviction) with no expectation of being paid back. She said she'd pay us back when her next expected windfall came through (a car sale, a legal settlement, a home sale), but we told her that wasn't needed or expected.

A couple of months ago, she was finally evicted from her rental home of twenty years. She has asked us to cosign for her on a new place; meanwhile she is living in an extended stay hotel with her five dogs.

And here’s where I’m torn.

On the one hand, I do want to help her. I don't want anyone to be unhoused, and particularly not someone who has been there for us.

On the other hand, there's a risk involved for us, as we cannot afford to absorb that payment if she cannot. I believe in her intentions, but the reality is that her hardships have been escalating for years now.

It began with the loss of her job and a related lawsuit that made finding new work difficult. I tried to help by getting her set up with DoorDash and even went out with her to show her the ropes. Later came ongoing conflicts with her landlord over poor maintenance, which ended with her eviction. Along the way, she also had a falling out with her closest friend of twenty years, again over money and housing.

I hate to see her struggle, but after four years of mounting challenges, I find myself asking: is it wise for me — for my household — to take on this risk? Where do my obligations begin and end? How do I balance compassion with practicality?

Compassion without boundaries becomes self-destruction. The question is: when do we know we’ve reached that tipping point? How do we face the tension honestly and move forward with confidence?

Or perhaps the real challenge is making peace with not knowing at all.