Embracing the "Both... And"

A tree, half thriving, half dead, on an island, reflected in the water, at sunset.

One of the best things I ever did for myself was to allow myself to embrace duality.

The search for Truth — in a binary sense — promised clarity. And with clarity, safety.

But it was a lie.

Rather than offering certainty, binary thinking kept me trapped in a constant state of uncertainty —lost in how to reconcile opposing facts.

So much of my energy used to be spent sussing out what was really true. When someone I loved hurt me, did that mean they were unsafe? Had they ever been safe?

Binary thinking uses shame to keep us avoidant and wounded. Shame wants us to frame things as “I am” instead of “I did.” And how can we admit we did something awful, if the only possible conclusion is that we are awful?

That’s too painful a possibility to entertain.

So we deny.

We deflect.

We protect.

But allowing space for two truths to coexist — even when they seem to conflict — opened the door to something else: compassion and grace.

From a therapeutic perspective, this is called dialectical thinking.

That grace gave me the safety I needed to confront what needed healing in me.

It was no longer a question of: “Am I truly a kind person, or am I a fraud?”

Instead, it became: “I can be a kind person — and at times, fail to live up to my values and aspirations.”

That reframe gave me the space to grapple with the darker parts of myself and my story —and begin walking the path toward forgiveness.

I will never accept shame’s message at face value again. And I pray you won’t either.

…But maybe that, too, is a binary. 😉